Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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