It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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