I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
