we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
