He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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