and next time when you feel me up, do it right
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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