Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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