how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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