I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
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