I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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