I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
