I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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