Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
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