did you get engaged???
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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