thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
