I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Found your dick twin last night
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
