I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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