Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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