He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
