Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
