Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
