Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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