Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
