I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
it was like eating out sand paper
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.