We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?