We're like a lot better than the average bears
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
