the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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