my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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