sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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