pedialite and red bull = repair kit
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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