Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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