I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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