OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
