i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
