I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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