I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
