i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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