I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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