trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
