when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
