i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
