True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
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