i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
