I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
