I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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