Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
