I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
