I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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