My bed is full of blood and feathers
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
