You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
