Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
