Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
