saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
