Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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