she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
