honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
