We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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