Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
