I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
