I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
