I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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