got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
