Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
