I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
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We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
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You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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